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There are a number of events coming up in the Columbia, SC, area in October, recognized since 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you are aware of another event in our area or around the state, please contact us and let us know so we can list it:
Monthly support groups: ongoing - see the Naomi's Circle Events calendar for more information Candlelighting service: October 9 - at the regular Naomi's Circle Support Group Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Sunday: October 12 or October 19, recognized by various churches around the Midlands. To invite your church to participate, see www.naomiscircle.org/PAIL-sunday. Heart and Hands Forever Memorial Walk: A walk and memorial service for babies lost in pregnancy or infancy sponsored by Palmetto Baptist Hospital; October 19, 3:00 p.m. at Riverfront Park.
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 I'm often asked the question, "My friend has just had a loss. What can I do to help?"
Of course, each person's loss is unique, as is their response to it. A miscarriage is different from an ectopic pregnancy, which is different from a stillbirth, which is different from the death of an infant. Not that one is harder or easier, but each is different. Not only that, but my miscarriage is not the same as my friend's or my co-workers or your sister's. Proverbs 14:10 says it well: "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy." That said, there are some things that specifically seem to bring comfort to a grieving mother after the death of her baby at any stage of pregnancy or infancy. Some things that helped me, especially after the death of Naomi:
If you have had a loss, what specific gestures from friends were comforting to you? Share in the comments below. I hear that on the Earth below
This is a special season With lights and songs and gifts and such, And Jesus is the reason! In the place I would have lived Are strings of light that blink and shine, But you should see the light up here That glows from Jesus all the time! In the place I would have lived Carols play, and special songs, But you should hear the music that The angels sing here all day long! In the place I would have lived, Gifts are giv’n on Christmas Day, But you should feel the joy we feel Because God’s gift is here to stay! In the place I would have lived, Tears have flowed because I’m gone. My family wishes I were there To see and hear and feel it all. But in this place where I now live, It’s Christmas all day, all year long, And the sights and sounds I’d see with them Are pure, unblemished by all wrong. So on this day that would have been My first Christmas on the Earth, Mama, Daddy, you need to know I’m celebrating Jesus’ birth! When you sing songs to worship Him, I’m singing with the angels, too. I’m never closer than when we all Praise Him for our life anew. I know that life began for me Sooner than you thought it would. I know your hearts are hurting now, And you would change things if you could. But in this place, where you’ll come, too, We’ll be together, forever. And there will be no more good-byes When we celebrate Christmas in heaven – together! By Kristi Bothur, mother of four (one on earth and three in heaven) One of the hardest things to deal with when you have lost a baby is the reactions of other people, and the earlier your baby died, the fewer people, it seems, understand. They didn't see your baby, they didn't connect with him or her, they were not anticipating your child's birth from the moment you got a positive home pregnancy test. Their concern is for you (and, unfortunately, that usually means the mother more than the father). They want very much for you to not hurt anymore, for you to be healthy. And so they often "encourage" you to move on, to focus on the positive things in life, and to "get over it."
The effect of all this, however, is not to push you into a place where you feel better, but to make you feel that your loss has been minimized. After all, who would tell a grieving widow to cheer up because, after all, she has other family members who love her? Who would tell a man whose wife has just died not to be so sad because there are lots of other women out there? And so when similar comments are made to bereaved parents, we feel like our child's life is not as valuable as someone who lived longer. Let me pause a moment to say that I truly believe that most comments like that are intended to help, and not hurt. But I think most people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving. Grief makes us uncomfortable - maybe because it brings us face to face with the whole idea of death and mortality. And so in our discomfort, we speak clumsily, trying to help, but not knowing how. (Think back to the last time you had to deal with someone else's grief - did you know what to say?) In modern America, I fear we've lost much of the art of mourning with those who mourn, one of the key components of which is the recognition that grief has no timetable. Everyone grieves in their own way, and for their own season. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions as you travel this road:
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Naomi's Circle News
Here you will find articles intended to help you in your journey. Some will be reviews of websites and books. Some will be devotionals, some general articles, and some will be guest bloggers. Feel free to comment and let us know if there is something you would like to see addressed here. Subscribe here!
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