My Alyssa
Oct 15, 2014
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. We can write about what we remember most about our pregnancy and baby. This is what I remember most about my Alyssa Nicole.
I remember going to the doctor for a routine check up and the nurse coming back in the room laughing because she was excited I was pregnant...I had been in denial for days.
I remember calling Alex and telling him he was right. He told me days before and of course I was like “yeah right.”
I remember calling his mom and hearing the excitement in her voice. I was nervous but still felt blessed.
I remember going to the doctor at 9 weeks and Alex had just became a long distance truck driver and I didn’t feel well. I was nervous because my last pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. Alex’s mom came and I got to see my baby move her little limbs for the first time. I start crying. I was so happy. His mom stuck beside me my whole pregnancy.
I remember going to the doctor on May 19 and hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time...I was in love.
I remember telling friends and family how different I felt this time with the pregnancy. I felt a connection with Alyssa that I had never felt before with my other children. I loved talking to her, feeling her move, singing to her and always praying to God that I make her life wonderful. I felt a love for her that I just cant explain. I LOVED her!!
I remember the first time I felt her move. I was excited that I sat still for about 30 minutes straight just so I could feel and again. I called Alex and I was wished he was here to feel her too. I loved her.
I remember my sick days. I had some rough times but I would call Alex and a simple “Im sorry. Did you take your medicine. You will be ok” made a big difference to Alyssa and I. She loved to hear her daddy’s voice.
I remember getting sick at around 17 weeks and going to the emergency room without telling anyone. The nurse had trouble finding her heartbeat and gave me a huge scare. She called for help and another nurse eased my pain. Alyssa was fine and that was the day I found out I was having a girl!!
I remember going out on July 19 and finding winter baby clothes on sale and buying her a few things. I picked out the outfit she was going to wear home. I loved her.
I remember waking up on July 20th and trying to get ready for church and feeling strange. I was having really bad cramps.
I remember going to the restroom that last time and I KNEW something was wrong. I tried calling Alex. No answer. Tried calling my mom. No answer. Got in touch with my best friend and she meet me at the hospital.
I remember calling Alex’s mom and as I drove myself to the hospital and screaming in pain. She was trying to get me to pull over, call 911 and she was praying as usual, but I just wanted to keep going and save my baby...I LOVED HER!
I remember praying to God not to take my baby as I drove myself to the hospital. I was screaming “Please don’t let her die!” Please, God, don’t take my baby!” I was driving fast and praying hard.
I remember getting to the hospital, pants soaked and the security guard rushing me to labor and delivery. I was screaming and crying and the nurses were trying to calm me down. My friend said she heard me screaming down the hall. I watched as they check to see if my water broke and see how far I had dilated. They nodded and shook their heads in silence.
I remember one nurse finally saying to me, “Ok, your water broke and you are 10 centimeters dilated. You are going to deliver and there is nothing we can do. Your baby is going to die.” I broke down as she continued to tell me what my baby was going to do and I remember pleading with her to please try and she said no because my baby’s lungs were not mature. She didn’t test them at all. How did she know?
I remember my friend trying to be strong for me, but I saw her crying.
I remember Alex finally getting there and telling him what was said and he was angry, but he told me not to worry and everything was going to be ok. He has a way of keeping me calm. I was so happy to see him.
I remember getting pain medicine that made me sick. I felt a huge gush of fluid and Alex said “Oh God.” I asked what was wrong. What happened? He told me I was ok. Just relax...That was the rest of the fluid in the sac.
I remember getting an ultrasound and the nurse telling me again that I was going to deliver because Alyssa didn’t have enough fluid to live. I still trusted God...I loved her.
I remember looking over at Alex and seeing tears streaming down his face and all I could say was that “I’m sorry” because I felt I had done something wrong. I felt so sad. Like I let him down.
I remember Alex’s mom and I were the only 2 in the room and I cried and told her I didn't want my baby to die. She cried and said she didn’t either. She told me to calm down and rubbed my head and I tried to doze off.
I remember not being able to take the pain anymore. I turned on my side and I felt her ready to come. I saw the sadness in Alex’s face but I just couldn't take it any longer. I held on to him and pushed my baby out in front of my family and friends. She was beautiful.
I remember holding her for a second and handing her to Alex. He cried so hard and my heart ached for him. I was in and out because of the pain meds so everything else is a blur.
I remember waking up and my baby was in a little basket with a white dress on and thinking how beautiful she looked in her dress. She looked like an angel.
I remember having to say goodbye to her for the last time and leaving her in the hospital. I cried as we left the hospital. I wanted to ask Alex to turn around but I knew he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
I remember getting home and seeing the clothes that I just bought the day before I had her and breaking down, but Alex held me until I fell asleep.
The next few weeks were a blur, but my family, friends and Alex’s mom helped bring me through. They were a phone call away. They prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. The days became easier the get through. I still miss her daily. I miss my pregnant belly. Planning for a baby shower. Planning to deliver. Dreaming about who she would look like. Would she have a sweet outgoing personality like Alex and I or would she be shy. What would she like or not like? Would she sing, dance and act like her daddy and I? Would she have that sweet spirit like her “Glam-Ma?” LOL!!! Would she be a picky eater like me or eat like her daddy? I don’t know. But what I do know is that God makes no mistakes. Alyssa had a purpose and her purpose was served so she had to go. I wish she was here with me but God need her more...I still LOVE her. My Alyssa<3
Love Mommy
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day. We can write about what we remember most about our pregnancy and baby. This is what I remember most about my Alyssa Nicole.
I remember going to the doctor for a routine check up and the nurse coming back in the room laughing because she was excited I was pregnant...I had been in denial for days.
I remember calling Alex and telling him he was right. He told me days before and of course I was like “yeah right.”
I remember calling his mom and hearing the excitement in her voice. I was nervous but still felt blessed.
I remember going to the doctor at 9 weeks and Alex had just became a long distance truck driver and I didn’t feel well. I was nervous because my last pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. Alex’s mom came and I got to see my baby move her little limbs for the first time. I start crying. I was so happy. His mom stuck beside me my whole pregnancy.
I remember going to the doctor on May 19 and hearing my baby’s heartbeat for the first time...I was in love.
I remember telling friends and family how different I felt this time with the pregnancy. I felt a connection with Alyssa that I had never felt before with my other children. I loved talking to her, feeling her move, singing to her and always praying to God that I make her life wonderful. I felt a love for her that I just cant explain. I LOVED her!!
I remember the first time I felt her move. I was excited that I sat still for about 30 minutes straight just so I could feel and again. I called Alex and I was wished he was here to feel her too. I loved her.
I remember my sick days. I had some rough times but I would call Alex and a simple “Im sorry. Did you take your medicine. You will be ok” made a big difference to Alyssa and I. She loved to hear her daddy’s voice.
I remember getting sick at around 17 weeks and going to the emergency room without telling anyone. The nurse had trouble finding her heartbeat and gave me a huge scare. She called for help and another nurse eased my pain. Alyssa was fine and that was the day I found out I was having a girl!!
I remember going out on July 19 and finding winter baby clothes on sale and buying her a few things. I picked out the outfit she was going to wear home. I loved her.
I remember waking up on July 20th and trying to get ready for church and feeling strange. I was having really bad cramps.
I remember going to the restroom that last time and I KNEW something was wrong. I tried calling Alex. No answer. Tried calling my mom. No answer. Got in touch with my best friend and she meet me at the hospital.
I remember calling Alex’s mom and as I drove myself to the hospital and screaming in pain. She was trying to get me to pull over, call 911 and she was praying as usual, but I just wanted to keep going and save my baby...I LOVED HER!
I remember praying to God not to take my baby as I drove myself to the hospital. I was screaming “Please don’t let her die!” Please, God, don’t take my baby!” I was driving fast and praying hard.
I remember getting to the hospital, pants soaked and the security guard rushing me to labor and delivery. I was screaming and crying and the nurses were trying to calm me down. My friend said she heard me screaming down the hall. I watched as they check to see if my water broke and see how far I had dilated. They nodded and shook their heads in silence.
I remember one nurse finally saying to me, “Ok, your water broke and you are 10 centimeters dilated. You are going to deliver and there is nothing we can do. Your baby is going to die.” I broke down as she continued to tell me what my baby was going to do and I remember pleading with her to please try and she said no because my baby’s lungs were not mature. She didn’t test them at all. How did she know?
I remember my friend trying to be strong for me, but I saw her crying.
I remember Alex finally getting there and telling him what was said and he was angry, but he told me not to worry and everything was going to be ok. He has a way of keeping me calm. I was so happy to see him.
I remember getting pain medicine that made me sick. I felt a huge gush of fluid and Alex said “Oh God.” I asked what was wrong. What happened? He told me I was ok. Just relax...That was the rest of the fluid in the sac.
I remember getting an ultrasound and the nurse telling me again that I was going to deliver because Alyssa didn’t have enough fluid to live. I still trusted God...I loved her.
I remember looking over at Alex and seeing tears streaming down his face and all I could say was that “I’m sorry” because I felt I had done something wrong. I felt so sad. Like I let him down.
I remember Alex’s mom and I were the only 2 in the room and I cried and told her I didn't want my baby to die. She cried and said she didn’t either. She told me to calm down and rubbed my head and I tried to doze off.
I remember not being able to take the pain anymore. I turned on my side and I felt her ready to come. I saw the sadness in Alex’s face but I just couldn't take it any longer. I held on to him and pushed my baby out in front of my family and friends. She was beautiful.
I remember holding her for a second and handing her to Alex. He cried so hard and my heart ached for him. I was in and out because of the pain meds so everything else is a blur.
I remember waking up and my baby was in a little basket with a white dress on and thinking how beautiful she looked in her dress. She looked like an angel.
I remember having to say goodbye to her for the last time and leaving her in the hospital. I cried as we left the hospital. I wanted to ask Alex to turn around but I knew he wouldn’t. He couldn’t.
I remember getting home and seeing the clothes that I just bought the day before I had her and breaking down, but Alex held me until I fell asleep.
The next few weeks were a blur, but my family, friends and Alex’s mom helped bring me through. They were a phone call away. They prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself. The days became easier the get through. I still miss her daily. I miss my pregnant belly. Planning for a baby shower. Planning to deliver. Dreaming about who she would look like. Would she have a sweet outgoing personality like Alex and I or would she be shy. What would she like or not like? Would she sing, dance and act like her daddy and I? Would she have that sweet spirit like her “Glam-Ma?” LOL!!! Would she be a picky eater like me or eat like her daddy? I don’t know. But what I do know is that God makes no mistakes. Alyssa had a purpose and her purpose was served so she had to go. I wish she was here with me but God need her more...I still LOVE her. My Alyssa<3
Love Mommy